Mothers Day.

6 May

Yesterday I was struck with the thought that if all goes to plan, I will have a baby this time next year. It was a crazy, exciting, terrifying thought…

Whenever anyone (my family, friends, workmates… people at the bank?) asks me when Im going to have children I always say ‘ I dont know, a year or so’. and I act like its undecided. It is FAR from undecided! However, for some reason I feel really weird saying ‘hopefully next may’… and the thought of telling them when we’re going to start trying creeps me out! I dont want people asking me if Im pregnant yet, once we get to that month.

Getting pregnant and having a baby is something Ive always wanted- while we were engaged I was more excited about having a baby than getting married. However, now Im not excited at all about the thought of having a baby. I dont know whether this is just how it is for people who have planned pregnancies, or not. Judging from personal experience though  could be how its going to be for me. I was really excited about my wedding untill it got about three months from the day, and then I was just nervous and scared! I think that may be what Im experiencing about right now, because I know I still want a baby, I havent changed my mind. Lots of people make decisions out of their excitement… Ive always been the sort to weigh up everything and come to a decision sensibly and without emotion… maybe thats what is happening here. I dont know.

I do know that between the time we start trying and the first pregnancy test will feel SO LONG to me! I seriously take about 3 tests a month at the moment just to make sure Im not pregnant (I bought the tests in bulk on ebay)so waiting to find out I am will be excruciating. I dont know how some people get to be four months without knowing!I know that telling my family will be one of the weirdest things I ever do… Im already thinking about how to tell my dad. My mum is easy because Ill tell her straight away, Ill ring her and say ‘so I took a pregnancy test and it was positive’ (Im not the sort to tell in any special way… I dont like attention on me). Another thing I know is that everyone will be so happy about it!

I really do want a baby. Im just not really excited about it all the time. Sometimes I am and sometimes Im not and I worry that I will lose interest in everything except baby stuff. I worry sometimes that Ive pushed myself into a corner with my previous thoughts on how my life is going to turn out. I need to stop worrying and just leave everything to God. He’s a pretty good planner.

At church on Sunday they were giving out a book advertising their service on Mothers Day, and in the book were lots of beautiful pictures of young mums and their pink, pudgy babies. I really do want that. I want to have a baby to hug, to dress up and to raise the way God would want. I want to teach them to think for themselves and question the world, and a million other qualities that seem to have gone missing from the World today. I really do want to raise a child, lots of children.

Im just scared to death.

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